Void Feelings

Void Feelings

-ALEC

I love making stories or just making a blog about nonsense stuff. Recently I feel so bad about myself. My life has changed when I realize how life works. I guess strict parents are just common and pressure is just natural in part of growing up. I've suffered from that misery for four years and still this year because I am still a student.

My only way of escaping reality is watching anime, movies and playing games. Unfortunately, that is also something that my parents hate. I tried to think that maybe they don't see me as a kid, I am always at the top 5 of our class since elementary, but no matter what I do the highest rank I got is Rank 2. At first I thought it was an accomplishment. It is indeed a victory but only for me, people start to criticize my capability. 

Due to that, I start caging myself with my own thoughts. Last year, a girl told me she likes me and it got 4 months before I told her my feelings, I thought it was gonna be a happy life, I thought it would be an eyeopener, a hope. It doesn't, she see's me as someone who will understand everything no matter how big a mistake is, so she cheat on me, she told me, someone asked her out on a movie and while they're watching they're holding their hands. As the water came out of my eyes, I can also see the tears in her eyes. 

I thought it would be the last, it was the 18th birthday of my friend and we are invited to the celebration, one of her crush is in there and I told her if it would be possible to please understand what I feel, she got mad at me. I don't know why but it hurts me seeing her mad at me because of other guy. The party started and I was at the corner table and she was with the guy. I couldn't leave her because our house is far, so even if it makes me feel uncomfortable and uneasy I tried to think that maybe she's not just in the mood. 

Months started to pass and rumors spread that we kissed each other at the celebration of my friend, it scares me because her family scolded her and she cried a lot, I thought she was protecting me from something that didn't happen, after a week I just knew that she told them that I force her to kiss me and If I wont kiss her I will blackmail her. At that moment my mind went blank and I don't know what will happen again. She told me she wants to put a stop in our relationship and I ask her why. She told me that because of what happened, and I ask her if it would still be possible for us to be back together again. 

She just said that maybe in a year or two. I know she's not interested to me anymore but I don't know why I still keep pushing myself to her. A month pass and she told me she wants to be back to me because she doesn't want to lose me and I thought she changed, she goes out with a guy she just knew for a week and it breaks my heart, it did breaks but I don't know why would I get mad to her. I tried to distance myself for a day. I don't know if she's chasing me for what happened but all I got is I'm sorry, that's all. It makes me feel incomplete but told me that she's not scared of me knowing about them, she's scared if her friends would know. 

A sudden pain in my chest that I felt. I want to know what am I to her, but I don't feel like it would give me an answer that I want. So I tried to talk to her about the past little by little until I ask her what am I to her. She told me I am important to her, but I still don't get it. I don't get it why I feel empty inside, She told me I was very possessive and she always get irritated faster, so I tried to distance myself to her and told her sometimes that maybe I would be gone for a day, I thought if I will be online on social media she would be happy or to see me, it feels like she's still not interested. This void feelings that I want to remove is something that me myself couldn't help but understand that I can't remove her from my life.